#335 Butterbeer Donut
01 December 2019 // San Diego, California
Rhys had a pretty difficult weekend. He’s mostly been a good sleeper, but for whatever reason, our attempts to bottle feed him have made him unusually alert during the worst times of the day. At these points he gets pretty inconsolable.
“How can I help you?” I wish he could answer. “Everything makes you mad!”
During one of these sessions, while I was trying to get him to settle back down, it struck me how fleeting this moment would be. I tried repositioning him in my arms, and thought that it really won’t be long before I’d have to take on whole new ways of holding him. In a few simple weeks, he’ll fit pretty differently.
That made me think of how all of this is fleeting.
Of course you hear from older parents and empty nesters how the whole thing goes by fast. And you think that, yeah, that finish line in 18-ish years does come up quicker than you’d expect. But that’s not the only part that goes by fast. It takes very little time for kids to turn into radically different people. The Rhys we have a year from now will be quite different than the one we stay up with now.
As he grows, it’s for the better. Years bring maturity and skills and more of his own personality. In a couple months, we’ll be able to actually hang out. Not just this me-holding-you-changing-you stuff. In a year, he’ll be less reliant on nursing for everything and that will give me more opportunities as his dad to step in and help.
The process is a good one, but it also means that there’s a lot I’ll miss in the relatively near future. I’ll miss his goat noises, his burping faces, and his mango seed hair. I’ll miss his arms going up as he sleeps.
These are helpful reminders not to just wish the restless nights away. Being at this stage is like being in a unique location that I can only ever visit once.
These are values I hope get passed from Auntie Ella and Auntie Fely on to Rhys. And I hope that the years they get to overlap on this earth are a generous number. But I know I’ll have a part in helping him learn to live those values. They’re great building blocks for a great life.
#336 Family Christmas Trees
02 December 2019 // El Cajon, California
I heard from a friend who is waiting for some scary medical news. It could be nothing. I really hope it’s nothing.
Right now it’s advent. It’s also one of the most joyful and triumphant times of my life, but I’m soberly aware that I’m not all that far removed from a period of uncertainty and a really challenging wait. And really, any of us can end up in that situation at any given moment, in the blink of an eye.
So I want to carefully but lavishly communicate hope.
As a storyteller, I see that so much of life is punctuated by to-be-continued at the end of each episode. Chapters that leave our mind racing with uncertainty and tension and curiosity at the end. Moments that make us say “I wonder what’s going to happen next?”
These times aren’t made for our comfort. They exist to ask questions, not answer them. But if there’s comfort to be found, it’s in knowing that there is a next chapter. That the story goes on.
In a year, you’ll be able to look back on today with the gift of a little more clarity. Until then, the wait can be painful. I know. But make future you proud. Listen in the tense silent moments for the words you need to hear and treasure them in your heart.
We’ll wait and anticipate together.
#337 Christmas Thizz
03 December 2019 // San Diego, California
Today was Giving Tuesday and I kind of enjoyed seeing how Plant With Purpose took it on without me. I liked seeing the buzz on social media, wondering who was behind it.
It looks like we may have raised up to $140K, beating last year’s mark of $80K and this year’s goal of $100K. I loved seeing the influencers jump in on this too. We did things I would not have come up with on my own.
I’m sure I’ll learn more about how it went soon enough.
Giving Tuesday has been one of my pet projects since joining the team. It really started as a simple hashtag we’d use and now it’s one of our best fundraising days.
It would be easy to see it as my baby. But it’s not. Rhys is my baby, and even he’ll be taught how to live with less of me over time. Instead I get to experience the beauty of handing things off.
I think that’s something I’ll end up experiencing more and more, as I advance in my role. Learning how to hand off earlier projects so I can move into new domains. Leaving the people I hand them off to empowered to experiment and try different things.
I’m glad it seems to have been such a hit.
#338 Last Day of Paternity Leave
04 December 2019 // San Diego, California
It’s my last day on paternity leave and I’m really going to miss having these days to almost exclusively focus on hanging out with Rhys and helping him.
Beyond that, I hope it’s not too tough of a transition on Deanna. I’m glad my extra set of hands has allowed her to breathe, to focus on recovery, and to transition into motherhood relatively smoothly. Not that I want to rush a countdown now that Rhys is born but in five months we’ll be able to open up so many more opportunities for her health.
I feel both grateful for what I have and convinced that we could do better as a society when it comes to parental leave.
I’m thankful that California has one of the better state level policies and that I’ll still have four weeks left to take off at some point this year when things get tricky. I’m thankful that Plant With Purpose has a great leave policy for dads and that I was able to step away from work for a bit with the support of my team and confidence in my teammates. I’m real grateful that we could do this without being in extreme financial peril. We’ve missed about 30% of our income these weeks but I’m glad we have enough padding to say yes to that trade off with some minor adjustments.
At the same time, I’m sure we could do better. I look at the parental leave policies of most other developed countries and think, yeah, we’re a bit behind. Especially if we claim that family values are a priority to us, this should be one way to practice what we preach. Paternity Leave is a good thing and I’m sure that it’s ultimate social benefits far outweigh its costs.
#339 Back to Work
05 December 2019 // San Diego, California
I made it back to work and I’m really glad I love what I do.
One thing that has made this transition to parenthood so much easier has been the fact that I get to do work I love, with a team I can count on. They’ve been so generous in helping me put out the fires along the way. I don’t want to take for granted how I was able to make it to almost all of Deanna’s doctor visits even before Rhys was born.
Of course there’s a big part of me that still wants to be spending my day hanging with Rhys the whole time. But I do have to pay the bills and put pho on the table. This at least reminds me of a post I saw once that said “all I want to do is to be able to come home each day from doing work I love to a life at home I love.” I’m glad I saw that post because it helps me recognize what I’ve got.
I hope to give Rhys a bit of a template for doing something you love to solve problems that you hate. Thankful that this also pays the bills.
#340 Strategy
06 December 2019 // San Diego, California
Yesterday I learned that part of our marketing strategy at Plant With Purpose has shifted at least a little to focus more on environmentally interested audiences. I’ve been a long time proponent of finding a more defined niche and I’m so happy we can move forward with that.
So much of the role I’ve played at work has been that of someone who can get a lot done in a little time. I can hustle in the hungriest of ways. Having Rhys around though makes me not want to turbo through anything, and that includes work. I’ve started to wonder what would happen if I expected less quantity of work out of myself but instead focused on making each piece amazing.
This goes against a lot of my creative philosophies. I believe by cranking things out, even if imperfect, you give yourself heaps of practice. But maybe there’s a time and place to put on new mindsets, or at least to rotate them seasonally. If so, this really feels like it might be one. Seth Godin’s words about making things that are so valuable they would get shared seems to ring especially true.
Quality over quantity has been my growth path for a while. I shouldn’t be surprised when it extends to creative work.
#341 Hong Kong Milk Tea
07 December 2019 // National City, California
I think I do this every year, but this year I feel even more like I’ve gotten clarity on the space I’ve carved out in the creative world.
Just yesterday I started brainstorming sustainability topics I wanted to write and make videos about and I have to say I’m excited for each of them. I legitimately look forward to getting into a creative flow with what I get to make in the near future.
Sustainability at a global level combined with storytelling strategies and nonprofit marketing are things I can talk about all day for a long, long time. The well of inspiration seems to run deep with these topics and I’m all here for that. The thought of building my body of work on that intersection is tantalizing.
#342 Rhys’ First Time at Church
08 December 2019 // San Diego, California
It can be a little too easy for me to be critical of the way different people in my family connect spiritually.
I don’t like saying that and I don’t like that it’s true. After all, I believe that ultimately, whatever brings you closer to God is a good thing.
But the churches that obsess over celebrity, wealth, and power that remain catatonic when it comes to injustice, loneliness, and vulnerability frustrate me to no end.
Still, there’s one thing that the older members of my family do really well that I know I need to get better at.
Prayer.
My mom did so much praying for me, and Lola would be up at the earliest hours trying to pray for each member of her mega-sized family. I need to get better at praying for Rhys.
I know I have reservations with the vending machine mentality many take to prayer, but that can’t be an excuse for not doing it.
If nothing else, just sitting and praying for as much good to come his way as possible is plenty open. And I do believe prayer does something.
I want to pray for his health. The people he ends up meeting on the adventure of life. The things he chooses to pursue. The people he ends up connected with.
I pray the best for him.
#343 Planet Oat
09 December 2019 // San Diego, California
I started shifting my work schedule to the early morning. I like these hours best. I’m a people person, but I love the way it feels to be a step ahead. Up just a bit before everybody else. At it just a bit before everybody else. I love anticipating what’s to come. I love the crisper temperature.
I also love having that quiet hour to sit down more with my thoughts, to write, to create, without having to shift gears towards being social again. It’s a good feeling.
Plus, when the evening comes around, and I likely don’t want to do much else other than stare at Rhys, I like that I’ll be able to. I hope to knock out a bunch of my productivity goals early enough to feel like I’m coasting the rest of the day.
Here’s hoping this shift works out like I hope it does.
#344 The Upside Down at Home
10 December 2019 // San Diego, California
I’d like to think I don’t have many pet peeves. In fact, if somebody is doing their own thing and it’s not harming anyone, no big. There are plenty of harmful behaviors that are more worthy of being upset about.
That said…
Part of me gets some combination of irritated and discouraged when I see people for whom nothing is ever a big deal. You see them go to new places with an attitude of been-there, done-that. They don’t fill their lives with passion, just stuff that’ll look cool blanketed by apathy. Empty aesthetics take priority over things with meaning.
I’m not talking about people who have a hard time seeing the good due to hardships or clinical reasons. I’m talking about people who make the deliberate choice to suppress wonder for the sake of appearances or pride or whatever.
A few weeks ago, I heard Pete Holmes drop this quote on his podcast– “children need to see their parents in reverence.”
It is unhealthy and harmful to live life without a sense of something bigger than yourself. I wouldn’t want that. And maybe you could draw lines between our lack of wonder and the way we treat our planet. Each day. Each other.
So let me be blown away. By animals. By nature. By tastes. By culture. By the way kids grow up. The way people evolve. The way people give. If nothing else, the kids need to see it.
#345 First Date Night Since Rhys
11 December 2019 // San Diego, California
Amidst the whirlwind of adjusting to parenthood, it isn’t lost on me that we’ve slipped into the time of Advent. It comes with all these messages about hope and anticipation, but it means something else entirely when you’re going through that.
This time one year ago, we were fighting off sickness, loneliness, and anxiety. And we’d been trying to have a kid all year and that hadn’t happened- it was starting to look like it wouldn’t.
On the other side of a crazy, unexpected, and beautiful year, things look really different. But I always want to keep the way things were last year in good memory. To make things as they are sweeter. To be with those who are in a similar spot. That was the seeding ground of hope.
Hoping and waiting are the same thing in many languages, and that’s cause they overlap quite a bit.
I don’t want to offer empty words of positivity, because those come so much more easily this year than last year. But the most helpful thing for me to remember was this— you’re seen.
And somewhere past the space-time continuum, the future version of you is out there, cheering you on. Letting you know that there is a point at which looking back on today will make it seem very different.
#346 Office Christmas Party
12 December 2019 // San Diego, California
Last night, we went on our first date night since having Rhys. My mom seemed to do well babysitting, and I really liked Knives Out.
Two thoughts.
First– watching a movie is easier now more than ever, but there’s still something special about really making an experience out of it. I love the Angelika Film Center, because the seats are just the right level of comfy, their movie selection seems curated with care, and their food is actually really good for the price. $12 gets me two gourmet burgers and fries with a ticket stub. At other theatres, that gets me like, a Pepsi and Milk Duds. Maybe.
I don’t think it has much to do with the theater, the technology, or the ambiance, though. At least not directly. I think it has much more to do with attention. The seats, the set up of their smaller screening rooms, all make it harder to be distracted than when watching Netflix. And to show that it really isn’t about the tech- I’ve also noticed I appreciate films more on airplanes, watching from the headrest screens. Not the best tech by any means, but you do give it your attention.
Here’s my other thought– More whodunnit movies like Knives Out need to be made. I especially appreciated how this story, even in the context of one family, showed how a person’s pure goodness can prevail over a system of injustice and hunger for power. It was real good.
#347 Staff Gingerbread Contest
13 December 2019 // San Diego, California
What do you want them to do? What do you want them to think? How do you want them to feel?
A speaking coach once told me that great talks begin by picking one of these goals with clarity.
It seems pretty obvious. Most speeches, stories, messages, songs, etc. exist to influence somebody’s behaviors, beliefs, or emotions. It’s casting a pretty wide net. But it’s amazing how often I sit down to write or create without a clear sense of any of these three objectives.
And sometimes it can be good to free Write. To just start and to see where your mind takes you. But I’ve found that clarity around one of these objectives can be the kickstart my creativity needs much of the time.
Creativity is such an odd thing. At least half of it is totally mystical. And the other half is kind of a science. And that half can be helpful sometimes.
When I get stuck now, I ask myself.
What am I going to say?
Why do I want to say it? (I try to answer this with a do, think, or feel that I want from my audience)
What is the clearest and most beautiful way I can say it?
#348 City Heights Bar Hike
14 December 2019 // San Diego, California
Today, Deanna told me to keep an afternoon free and to wear outdoor clothes. I did as told, not knowing why.
It turns out, she had planned for us to go on a bar hike around the canyons in City Heights. The coffee cart Burly and the Bean organized a hike through the surrounding canyons, learning about the local plants, and connecting the dots between several bars and hangouts.
I loved it. I discovered Nate’s Garden Grill- the perfect little watering hole with great cocktails right next to a tree nursery. I also won a sweet backpack and free coffee for life at Burly and the Bean.
I want to keep getting to meet people, and this event was pretty opportune for that. It also helps to have local hangouts. I’ve been enjoying Cafeina a lot lately but it also seems like Burly and the Bean will be seeing much more of me.
I’m also happy we got to do a bunch of firsts. Our first hike with Rhys. Our first time exploring the neighborhood canyons. I hope we stay as active of a couple as we possibly can with Rhys. I’d rather not be hunkering down at home for any more than we’d need to be.
Also, I’m really impressed with Deanna’s spontaneity in planning this whole thing. It was so unexpected and exactly my kind of adventurous outing. I loved it.
#349 Rhys is Ready
15 December 2019 // San Diego, California
If you had a message to get out there of the highest importance, how would you share it?
Spread it everywhere, right? Say that message as much as possible. People need to hear things numerous times before it lands.
Make it simple, right? A message that important can’t afford to get lost in confusion.
Just plain loudly, right? The world now is a competition for attention, and it’s hard to do much if you don’t play that game.
These are all smart strategies for communicating something and I agree. But there’s one I think that we really need for a message to sink in deep.
Beauty.
How do you take an important message and make it irresistibly beautiful? And beautiful doesn’t always need to mean happy. There can be beautifully urgent or tragic messages as well. But messages bathed in beauty sink in with people the way other bits of knowledge can’t.
The quest to bathe important messages in beauty is an endless one. It’s basically become one of my biggest life pursuits. Talking about things like sustainability, diversity, and generosity through people’s stories that resonate with beauty.
I’m probably more excited to be back behind my desk in creative production mode right now. Whatever your pursuits are, keep using them to pump beauty into the world. When people encounter beauty, it sets everything right.
#350 Commute
16 December 2019 // San Diego, California
We’ve known each other since college, which is now officially, forever ago.
I do think back about those earlier versions of ourselves though. How mindblowing would it have been for my 21 year old self to foresee raising a kid with Deanna, the girl from one of the houses I couch surfed my fall semester.
Then there were the versions of ourselves who dated for two years. The couple that started traveling together through Asia and Europe. The newlyweds trying to make a home in Eugene. One of the most incredible parts of sharing a life with someone is getting to switch over to new chapters together.
Seeing Deanna take on all the challenges that this year presented was like taking a Master class in grace and strength. As good as this year has been to us, it’s also been an extremely challenging one. But the most beautiful sight has been seeing her transform into a loving mother, in such an instinctive and deliberate way. As hard as it was to get to this point, it also seems like one that was always meant to exist.
#351 Marlborough Evenings
17 December 2019 // San Diego, California
Young at Heart is one of my favorite compliments, honestly. I’m just assuming most people mean it as a compliment whenever they say it. I’ve been getting it a lot lately, so hooray.
It’s funny because I’ve managed to end up on the cusp of 30 with a job that’s mostly out of an office, married, with one kid and a lab mix. But all that combines with some deep down young energy to have an impact on the world, to explore freely, and to have a blast while doing it.
When I think of young-at-heart, I think of somebody who has managed to live a few more years without collecting the cynicism and jadedness to the world that comes with years of letdowns. There’s still a belief that things can actually be better and an energy to have a part in that process.
When I think of young-at-heart, I think of someone who can still have their mind blown. I don’t know if I’ll ever relate to the people who can step into a national park or foreign country ready to spout off knowledge about all the details without some degree of amazement.
When I think of young-at-heart, I think of sincerity, joy, and a sense of freedom.
Looking over that list, I’m like, man, these are all things that the world could use more of. The people who can live with belief, sincerity, hope, and wonder are some of the most refreshing souls.
#352 Getting Rhys a Passport
18 December 2019 // San Diego, California
Dear Rhys, Merry Christmas.
This is a United States Passport. It’s a little book, and like any book, opening it will take you on some big adventures. Though this one works just a little differently.
There are a couple of things I want you to know about this little book.
First of all, being able to use this book is a privilege. Many people would give up a lot to be able to use it the way you can. Meet some of them. And always use your privilege well, with humility and gratitude.
The second is that if you use this well, it will completely change your life.
There have been very few things that have changed my life like travel. The ability to go to far away places has introduced me to new people, new ideas, and new ways of being me.
Don’t travel to impress people. Don’t travel to prove anything. Don’t travel to escape, but to engage.
Maybe you’ll have an interest in other cultures and places the way I do. Or maybe your relationship with travel is different than mine, but I still encourage you to leave the familiar, to embrace different, and to go.
Go. Go somewhere to be enchanted by the human culture of a city.
Go somewhere to be mesmerized by nature.
Go somewhere without using the most convenient method of transportation.
Go somewhere to serve others.
Go somewhere to be served. The hospitality of many cultures will blow your mind.
Go to some place that connects you with your past.
Go someplace you feel completely present.
Go somewhere that makes you realize how different and diverse people are across the planet.
Go somewhere that makes you realize the things we still have in common.
Go somewhere that empowers you and makes you feel strong and confident.
Go somewhere that humbles you and blows your mind.
And I hope you enjoy the ride.
I can’t wait to go places with you. Merry Christmas, Rhys.
#353 Christmas at Cafeina
19 December 2019 // San Diego, California
When John Steinbeck’s teenage son was feeling lovesick, he wrote him one of the most heartfelt, empathetic letters I’ve read. “And don’t worry about losing. If it is right -- it happens. The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away,” he wrote.
I love this, and I’m also challenged by it in the best way.
More often than not, I find that telling somebody “if it’s meant to be, it’ll be” to be more harmful than helpful. And this quote and the surrounding letter seems to glide dangerously close to that sentiment.
But the moment I read it, it struck a chord, and I bookmarked it. I had parts of it partially memorized without effort. Why?
Maybe it’s because what I really believe is that nothing good gets away. And that’s ever so slightly different from saying that everything happens for a reason, or that everything always works out.
Without denying the bad, or the hardships that come your way, everything good has a way of persisting. The memory of loved ones. The tendency of nature to self-repair. The resilience of refugees. Those who stand up against injustice. The people who decide to get up another day and try again.
I still can’t reconcile everything I’ve seen at a global level. But at the very least, in my life, the right things have happened. Nothing good gets away.
#354 My Llama Boy
20 December 2019 // San Diego, California
You can’t just keep adding to your life. At a certain point, if you’re going to add certain things, you need to let go of other things.
This has been one of my great, ongoing life lessons. Optimism is my default, so I have this huge tendency to always think… yeah, sure, we can say yes to that too. No big deal! I only start to feel it when I realize I’m not quite doing any of the things I signed up for as well as I’d like.
One of the things I love most about new years and decades and milestones and things, is they give you a good chance to sort through what you need more of and less of. It’s kind of like how moving houses is a good way to get rid of a bunch of unnecessary stuff.
In 2020:
More unstructured time. Just open evenings hanging out with Deanna, Rhys, and Beignet and seeing where they take us.
Fewer repetitive projects. I’ve already started scaling back things like the frequency of my newsletter, social media content for @plantwpurpose, and my writing schedule, just so I can make higher-quality things with more love and attention.
More time outside, more nights spent under the stars, more fresh air, more mud caked shoes, and more nature.
Fewer movies. Fewer books too. But with the goal of choosing better sources of inspiration, and consuming them more mindfully.
More getting out there to meet people. More effort to making sure everyone I spend time around feels seen and valued.
Less pressure on myself to get everything done so efficiently. Rhys is helping me break this habit. It’s my biggest obstacle to being present for others.
More doing the simple things I love- going to overlooked places, discovering human stories that move me, creatively sharing them. Less trying to add things to that equation. If other areas of interest are meant to be in my life somehow, they come back around.
There are a few things in life that there is always more room for. Love. Adventure. And I’m pretty sure pho goes on that list too. But other than that, it’s great to check in and see what we need more of and less of.
#355 Leisure Lagoon Bonfire
21 December 2019 // San Diego, California
If each year is a chapter of life, where I get a chance to take another step forward to being the kind of person I’d like to be, I think I know the step forward I’d like to take in the next year.
I want to be the kind of person who celebrates others. When people have an interaction with me, I want them to really feel like they were seen, valued, and celebrated. It’s tough to describe that without sounding a bit like a megalomaniac, but I think there are certain people who really stand out for how they make people feel around them. Special and important.
Fred Rogers, apparently.
And when it comes to people I know, Gary is kind of like that.
The hard part for me is that being this kind of person takes a lot of presence. It requires coming across like you have all the time in the world to spend with other people. And I know nobody who actually has all that time, so it means they just excel at seeming like it by being present.
I think that’ll be step one for being more of this kind of person, and that’ll call for trimming down even more things.
#356 Christmas Card Lane
22 December 2019 // San Diego, California
Rhys is going out of town for the first time this Christmas. It’s nothing major. Bakersfield. Then Joshua Tree the week after. Both places are relatively short distances from San Diego.
But even then, these trips have got me wondering what travel is going to be like for Rhys as he gets older.
No doubt, travel has been one of the most valuable parts of my life. I just wouldn’t be the same person I am now without the summer I spent in Italy, the semester in Argentina, my stints in South Africa, or the way experiences in the Philippines, Morocco, Australia, Thailand, Turkey, Korea, Germany, Haiti, or Norway have reshaped my world view.
I don’t want to be the kind of dad who forces his passions on his kid. But I do think it’s inevitable that my own passion leads to Rhys’ exposure, which just might fan the flames of his own interest. That would be totally thrilling for me.
Because even though I don’t necessarily want to force travel on him as a hobby, I do want him to appreciate all the things that travel represents to me:
Challenging myself.
Being immersed in discovery and wonder.
Encountering diversity around the world and celebrating the human experience for what it is.
Sometimes, when he’s fussy, the thing that calms him down is a new room. Hopefully that’s a sign of his fondness to come.
#357 Beignet at Work
23 December 2019 // San Diego, California
Growing up, my cousin Effie seemed so much older than me. And, well, there is a pretty good age gap between us. 12 years. It puts her in a different generation, dancing to very different music at her prom, thinking of a very different James Bond.
But her kid Izzy is only a year and a half older than Rhys. They’ll have the same grade school obsessions, the same popular Halloween costumes each year, the same “weird-things-we-used-to-do-in-middle-schools” to look back on.
Christi is eight years my senior, but her kid is only a year and a half up on Rhys. All my other coworkers who had kids this year were on the other side of thirty, some by a little, some by much more. Hallie, who used to feel so much younger (really only two and a half years, but that’s a lot when you’re in college) had her kid a week after Rhys. It’s quite the range of people who’ve had kids in the past year or two.
And suddenly, whether we were 80’s kids or 90’s kids, whether we thought of Sean Astin in The Goonies or as Samwise, we’re all here. We’re at the same stage of life based on our kids’ ages.
And if and when more kids come, that distinction stretches and warps all the more. Especially should they come at different intervals.
It’s something I’m actually kind of excited about. Having my kid’s age have more of an effect on my life than my own for the next several years. I don’t know why, but it feels a little bit freeing.
#358 Rhys’ First Christmas Eve
24 December 2019 // Bakersfield, California
Don’t you usually end up idealizing the things you feel like you missed out on growing up? Or the things you had taken away way too soon?
In my case, Christmas brings up a number of these. There were maybe about three consecutive Christmases that felt like my ideal from 5-7. The vintage ornaments. The packed house of family. And the mountain of presents that were a sight to behold with such a large family. Board games in the afternoon. Food everywhere.
Ever since then, though, they’ve felt too nomadic. They’ve always felt like people were missing. They’ve always felt like a break from tradition… even though it was only three years worth of tradition.
I want something more regular for Rhys. I feel like being able to anticipate the same excitement year after year is something I never got. Typically, I love newness and novelty, but there’s something to be said about having recurrences in some area of life, and Christmas seems like an appropriate place.
I know the traditions I care most about him experiencing involve having certain people around, having familiar smells and textures and aesthetics, and maybe a familiar outing or two. Maybe Christmas Card Lane and a coffee shop or something. Maybe making a charitable gift from the family that Christmas morning. I’m not sure.
But I guess the next few years is our time to get creative.
#359 A Passport for Christmas
25 December 2019 // Bakersfield, California
I met Eileen on Christmas. Beignet really needed to get out of the house, so I took her to the dog park by myself.
I got there, and a small group of people were in conversation. Slowly, they dispersed, until there were only two others left. One of them was on her phone talking to relatives. The other started a conversation with me.
We started talking about Beignet’s name and Café du Monde and New Orleans. Natural icebreaker. She then started telling me about how she lived in Santa Clarita for the past 22 years in the same condo, but was forced out when the owner sold it.
She realized she couldn’t afford the cost of rent in Santa Clarita, which was how she ended up in Bakersfield.
She told me how it had been a rough year. How the only person she knew in town was the other woman at the dog park. How she tried making friends at her senior living community, but found it way too cliquish. How her only surviving relative is a brother in Florida and how he’s not doing well enough for her to live there closer to him.
We probably talked for at least half an hour. It was cold, but she was lonely and my heart went out to her.
I’m glad I ran into her. Sometimes I think that my worst case scenario might look like waking up one day, late in life, and finding myself isolated without people around. I don’t think that it’s only unfriendly or reclusive people who end up that way. I think any of us are just a few major life events away from that scenario.
And I suspect the world has a lot more people in similar circumstances than we might think. We probably pass by people every day who could go for more human connection. My hope is to do a little more looking out for people in the moments when I least expect it. People should have each others’ backs.
#360 Chris and Meaghan Meet Rhys
26 December 2019 // Bakersfield, California
I spent the day hanging out with some old friends. I remember when they were new friends, but time can go by pretty fast like that.
I loved the company. I also couldn’t help notice the times during the gathering that we kept sounding like such elderly folk, talking about our friends’ divorces, confusion around the different new things in social media, and dipping into disgruntled politics.
I don’t know, I don’t really want to be the kind of guy who’s afraid of getting older. I also recognize the ways in which I still don’t feel like an old guy in the least and I’d love to do a good job of staying young at heart without developing a Peter Pan complex. The line between the two can be a tricky one for me to navigate.
Here are a few resolutions I’m making to myself to keep on the right side of it:
I don’t want to ever discount generations younger than my own en masse, or talk bad about them under sweeping generalizations.
I don’t want to lose my belief that each person has a deep potential for good. I don’t think idealism is necessarily a bad thing.
I don’t want to discount the possibility of new adventures ahead that could be better than the ones behind me, of learning new things later in life, or of still finding my biggest passions in the future. You never know.
#361 Bakersfield Evenings
27 December 2019 // Bakersfield, California
Here are some random things that make my life better, despite not getting enough credit.
New music: I’m afraid I’m falling into the tendency that most people do in their thirties. Listening to the same artists that you grew up with and not appreciating the beauty of the newer things out there. I’ve also noted that my music listening has dipped since podcasts have blown up. But there’s nothing quite like attaching memories to the textures and feels of certain songs.
A regular haircut: I love the way I look for 1-3 weeks after I get my haircut. Hopefully I don’t sound conceited, but I just get that much more confidence and more energy to go out and do stuff. Unfortunately my hair grows so fast it doesn’t last that long. But I’m hoping to get my hair cut a little more often. It helps that I go to a consistent barber who knows my hair well, rather than splurging on someone with more expertise but less familiarity.
Smells: Pine trees, autumn candles, paper, even fresh paint. It’s easy to ignore scent as a smell that contributes to a better mood but it’s so there. I even love the sweet and sticky smell present in a lot of Southeast Asian cities that remind me I’m in a new zone.
#362 Bakersfield Evenings
28 December 2019 // Santa Clarita, California
On the road today, driving past the snow-covered Grapevine, I tried doing a mental exercise. If I could go back ten years and visit myself at the start of 2010, and tell him all the things in my life that I think he would be excited about anticipating over the next ten years, how would he react to each one?
Marrying his best friend? Having a kid together? Adopting the very best dog from the shelter?
Visiting 49 states? Going to about three dozen countries? Running a pair of half marathons?
Finding a job in environmental protection that includes visiting rural communities around the world? Contributing to the freedom of North Koreans? The happiness of kids in South Africa?
Good health. Financial stability. Owning a house. Good eats. Regular adventures. Creative muscles that get used.
I do this because it’s easy for me to feel behind sometimes. Or to enter a worry mode, wondering what if I never have my dreams come true.
It really helps to remember how that would be crazy talk. Because, while there’s still a lot I’d like to see, more dreams have come true than haven’t.
#363 Marlborough Entry
29 December 2019 // San Diego, California
Rhys is two months old in two days, but that’s also New Years’ Eve so I’m writing this now.
In what world do I have a two month old baby boy? THIS ONE. Rhys has so much personality now and it seems like each day he picks up new quirks that make me smile.
This past month, we discovered that he’s a pretty good traveler. He was a champ on the road to Bakersfield for Christmas. He let us sit through services at church, movies at the drive-in, and office Christmas parties. He let us go on a date night for the first time since having him. When our house took some water damage and needed repairs, he was a gracious host while we slept on the floor of his nursery.
I’m loving the moments of being this kid’s dad. It’s been two months but I still can’t believe we get to have him in our lives.
#364 A DECADE’S END
30 December 2019 // San Diego, California
With it being the end of the decade, I’ve been thinking so much about how I started it. I was a college sophomore and I didn’t really like the life I was living.
The problem wasn’t that it was bad. The problem was that it was lacking in good things. The things that make life meaningful and worthwhile. Strong, committed relationships. Being able to work on something full of purpose. Adventures and stories worth sharing. Without those things, it felt like I was letting my time on Earth go to waste.
I decided to start treating my life more like a story I was writing. Stories require risk. They require moments. They require a pursuit of something worthwhile. I decided to treat every day like a chance to keep writing the story of my life.
Now I look back at 2010 like the year I finally became myself. January 1st of that year felt like waking up. By the end of that year, I met dozens of people who would turn into lifelong friends. I challenged myself to grow through travel. I started pursuing my curiosity surrounding international development.
It’s been ten years. Some of those relationships have matured, and one of them led to me marrying my best friend and starting a family together. That love of travel took me to places I never imagined seeing- rural and remote mountains in Swaziland, the demilitarized zone separating two Koreas, post-conflict areas in Colombia. International development no longer remains a curiosity, but a career.
Nothing changed overnight for me on January 1st, 2010. At least nothing you could see. But I did make a few decisions that day, and I’d like to think those decisions set everything into motion:
I decided to take things one day at a time. I decided to treat each day like the new unique gift that it was.
I decided to say yes by default, to see where those would lead me.
I decided to take my faith more seriously, to be guided by love, to build a life around pursuing justice, and to leave room for mystery.
I decided to take a picture every day- a way of keeping myself accountable to living better stories and noticing the moments of beauty and connection around me.
And those decisions set everything into motion.
I went from being a bit calloused over everything I was lacking and instead opened up myself to be amazed by it all.
Why share all this? I think that sometimes we overcomplicate what it takes in order to start living the life we actually want to live. In my experience, it simply started with approaching life open-handed.
Resolutions get a bad rap. But if you need things in your life to be different, then do whatever you need to do. Resolve to live life with an open and soft heart. Resolve to put yourself in unfamiliar situations, to go beyond what’s comfortable. Resolve to surprise yourself.
Sometimes the first step towards an abundant life is deciding that it isn’t so impossible.
#365 TWO MONTHS OF RHYS
31 December 2019 // San Diego, California
The story of my decade has been one I could’ve never dreamed up.
At the start of 2010, I made a decision to say yes to life, to make sure I gave each day my whole heart, and to live by faith- pursuing the things I knew were right, nevermind the fear of losing.
That decision led me on the wildest adventure.
If I could go back to myself at the start of this decade and give myself a sneak peek of things to come... I wouldn’t. No spoilers! There’s that whole space-time continuum thing.
But wouldn’t I have been thrilled to find out where it all leads??
This decade overlapped with my twenties almost perfectly, and what an eventful chapter of life it’s been. I finished college in Santa Barbara, then collected two Masters degrees in Oregon. I also managed to call Bakersfield, San Diego, Buenos Aires, Italy, and a Ford Econoline van home for different periods of time.
I ignited my love of traveling and discovering places and cultures. I made it to 49 states and three dozen countries. I learned about refugee camps and orphanages and environmental challenges and post-conflict zones up close. That led to a creative career in international development and I can’t believe I get to do work that fits my odd combination of passions so well.
Best of all, I married my best friend. We adopted a doughnut of a dog together. We endured a year of waiting and had a baby together I can’t stop staring at.
It’s all I ever wanted.
God is good. Each day is a gift. Love is the greatest adventure.