NOTES ON IDENTITY
It’s probably a very common experience for the early years of parenthood to come with a bit of an identity crisis. First of all, it invites a whole new role into your life, so there’s that.
If you and a partner are in it together, and are taking it seriously, it’ll probably bring up all kinds of things about your expectations and your own experiences with your families of origin.
Meanwhile, the demands place a whole lot of constraints on your time, money, and energy so that the other facets of your life become harder to tend to.
Having more kids you have in a shorter span of time will probably put a multiplier effect on this.
And I think moms will have a much harder time with this because of social expectations and what not. And if you’re a full time, stay-at-home parent, whether a mom or dad, that’s going to be a challenge too, because you don’t have that outside sphere to stretch that side of your identity.
At the same time, having a lot of different roles, jobs, and activities isn’t an easy road either.
Between having a pretty involved job and a gazillion interests, it’s been a challenge to grapple with the fact that time I spend working or traveling, doing things I love, or engaging meaningful work still comes at the expense of time at home with my kids. And while that’s my top priority, cutting everything else out doesn’t feel like the healthiest course of action either.
But I’m a stubborn believer that there’s a way to achieve harmony among the different areas of life. And while it’s always a give-and-take and requires compromise, I think that this harmony is something worth pursuing.
There’s a story about Charles Schultz- the creator of Peanuts. People often asked him about Charlie Brown, a very likeable character, but also a bit of a sad sack.
Anyways people would often ask Charles Schultz if Charlie Brown was supposed to be him.
And he would answer yes, but actually all the characters were different versions of him. Charlie Brown was like his tough luck, melancholic side. Lucy was more of his salty side. Snoopy was his cool, mischievous self that he wanted to be more like. I don’t know how we’re supposed to interpret Pigpen, seems like there’s one unflattering way to, but Charles Schultz did and in doing so gave us an all time beloved character.
There’s this idea among visual artists that every drawing, painting, or sculpture is a self portrait, and I think that line of thinking can extend to all kinds of art forms and mediums. Acting, music. It’s all self expression, but just because every creative work is a self portrait doesn’t mean it’s a realistic portrait or a complete portrait. Like; when I’m playing a terrible dad on stage, I hope it’s more reflective of a fear or insecurity than actual reality. Similarly! No portrait is complete. You won’t ever capture someone from every angle, meaning there will be sides of us that always get left out. We contain multitudes and I think that’s a perspective I’ve come to appreciate more this way.
There’s enough depth, contradictions, and angles to any person to create an entire Peanuts gang from. Which brings up another important thing to remember: our identity is always multifaceted.
Personally, I find it very healthy to realize that each of us has a very multi-layered and multi-faceted identity.
I think when people don’t allow themselves to accept this flexibility, you get instances of trying too hard to force one expression of your personality into a setting, you just might end up coming across as a caricature of yourself.
When it comes to ecosystems, you can see a strong link between resilient ecosystems and biodiversity. And in communities and human services, the more diverse perspectives and experiences and voices you bring in, the more you protect yourself from shortsighted decision making.
So all that is also true when it comes to your identity.