On the big question

At a glance, my pursuits are all over the place.

I don’t really like to compartmentalize. But- it would be nice to quickly communicate what I’m all about with a smaller word count.

Lately, I’ve been working to clarify what it is that ties it all together. Here’s what became clear:

I’m a big believer in something MLK said... that the most urgent question in life is what we are doing for others. I want to help people answer that question.

My travels and storytelling follow a desire to help people connect and empathize across cultures and distance. Applying that to the world of nonprofits and social justice helps empower those who help.

Every time I’ve seen someone go all out in answering that question, it leads to purpose and connection- and that’s something we all need.

On Continuing to Show Up

Keep aiming for a life of full-fledged empathy. Understand that it’s an ideal we’ll never get to fully embody, but that it’s so important to keep trying and to keep reminding ourselves that we’re meant to be here for each other. Take sips of both grace and ambition, and keep showing up.

On Incarceration

Honestly, I don’t give enough thought to the issue of incarceration. My church hosts a monthly meeting focused on racial reconciliation, and last night this was the topic. I had the chance to hear from a couple where the husband spent 25 years behind bars.

Hearing their story- especially their memories of family visits and raising kids with one parent locked away was pretty powerful. What really stood out to me was when the man started sharing about his own childhood, growing up with a mom who’d been assaulted. These things are totally cycles that get passed from one generation to the next.

It’s a complicated issue, and I’m definitely not an expert in spite of all those Ear Hustle episodes I’ve gone through at the gym. I just know that prison shouldn’t be seen as an easy, out-of-sight solution. Everything that happens to a prisoner after a sentence also has huge impacts, at a generational level.

I think that Jesus was being real deliberate when he noted the way we treat those in prison as equal to the way we treat God.

On not holding back good words

Earlier in the week, a thought popped into my head about somebody I know and how they do extremely valuable, often unrecognized work. I thought about firing them a quick message- then reconsidered. It might just be a little awkward. Then I decided, holding back encouraging words is sort of dumb, so I sent that message.

It turned out to be pretty timely encouragement for her at just the right moment.

But why do we do this? Why do we hold back good words for other people? So many of us just need that occasional reminder from somebody else that we’re doing a solid job.

Another time, I caught myself saying really nice things about an intern… the second he left the room. I made myself repeat them once he was back.

I’m realizing sometimes I get shy and stingy with compliments and affirmation. I don’t know where along the lines I got the message that affirming what somebody else was doing was awkward, but that’s a myth I hope to take apart just by working against those instincts over and over.

On Temporary Palaces

True statement. All palaces are temporary palaces. Any guesses where I found it? On the side of a very high-end furniture store in one of our most upscale neighborhoods.

Fitting.

I don’t think we can be reminded enough of how the things we tend to hold in such high regard- status, capital, political power, influence, followers- those things don’t last. Whoever’s on top in almost any arena probably won’t be in ten years.

It doesn’t mean that building things, leadership, and ability are meaningless. But it does mean that they get their meaning from being bigger than any one person, and in order to do truly meaningful work, it can’t be just about yourself.

On Staying in Touch

I recently read somebody share about trying to get in touch with a childhood friend after seeing an old photo. As it turns out, that friend wasn’t doing so well and only had so long left to live.

I think I read that at the right time for it to call my attention.

It gets so easy to take some relationships for granted. Lots of relationships, actually. Especially the “low maintenance” ones where you take for granted your ability to reconnect “after forever, without missing a beat.”

I can totally think of a few I’ve given that treatmeant to. And I don’t want it to take a tragedy of my own to make me want to change that. One of the most common end of life regrets is losing touch with people along the way.

Just thought I’d share my own reminder-to-self to pick the phone up a bit more often.

On the end of the 20s

I turn 28 by the end of the week. I can’t claim to be in my mid-twenties anymore. When your age ends with 7, you can kind of stretch it. 8? Yeah, you gotta start using that “late-" prefix.

I’m really happy about where I am right now, and at the same time, it can be hard to remember that. It’s so easy to be given a new opportunity, a great job, a beautiful relationship, and then to have it get so familiar that you forget the marvel that each one is. It’s easier to get caught up in thinking of what could go wrong, what’s still missing, and all that.

But each one of those things is a gift, and each one’s a reminder that God’ll make things work out beautifully in the right time, and not a moment sooner. If life is a bit of a comedy, then timing is a part of the art.

On boldness and vulnerability

It takes boldness to knock down old systems and vulnerability to build something better.

I’ve been reading an older memoir of Desmond Tutu’s and it reminds me so much of the present. Listening to and lamenting the testimonies of those who suffered were key to turning the page.

Maybe that’s why the leaders of the movements with the most momentum are survivors. Of profiling. Of shootings. Of sexual assault.

For those who’ve been to hell-and-back there’s a stronger sense of what actually matters, and it has nothing to do with how much you have saved, whatever title you hold, etc. It’s all about what you’ve done for others.

Knowing what matters gives you the perspective to say the hard, right, necessary things while brushing off the drama that sometimes goes with it. It takes away the desire to dismiss other people’s experiences when they give you a chance to connect and serve. It meets the world with strength and softness.

On Taking Time to Build

If you aren’t careful, so many pieces of your life have the tendency to drift. Neglect a hobby for a little bit and all that new gear you bought will start collecting dust. Quit putting in the work, and you can easily get out of shape. Fall out of touch with a friend and a couple months quickly turns into years.

Some of these drifts are more consequential than others, and not all of them are bad. You only have so much time and attention that a little self-selection of the things that fade slowly isn’t always bad. That said, I do think it’s important to have enough key pieces in your life that will last you from one season to the next. Lifelong relationships. Places that feel like home, physically or spiritually. Visions for our life that give meaning and focus.

My past few years have resulted in a little more drifting than building, and I’m looking forward to turning that around this year. Having a home base, a good team, and a little more experience definitely help. Anybody else finding their self at a switching of seasons?

On Encountering People

How many people did you come across today? Passing by on streets? Standing next to in stores? Seeing each others words in digital spaces? I don’t even know how I would come up with that number, but I know it would be pretty large.

How many of them noticed you? Acknowledged that you were there? It can be so easy to become invisible in our world.

Now flip that. How many people in the world feel unseen? Invisible? There are people who have every physical and material comfort in the world who still feel totally isolated. There are also entire cultures and groups that feel unseen in their surrounding environment.

When that nun in Lady Bird says that Love and attention aren’t so different, I think that’s especially true to the person who feels invisible. And that means it’s easily within our ability to make someone feel seen and validated. We don’t need to share their experiences, their beliefs, or even their language. We just need to stretch outside our own self-concern.

This kid made my day, just by bringing so much joy to the piñata bash.

On Travel & Connection

I’ve taken so many different kinds of trips in the past few years– work trips and fun trips and ones that blur the lines. Iconic cities and warm villages. Service trips and food adventures. Weekend camping trips and living abroad for months. There’s one thing that ties together all the best kinds of trips.

Connection.
 
Sometimes that means traveling overseas to reunite with friends. Other times it means asking for help and getting welcomed in by locals. Other times it’s a spiritual connection that gets stronger. Or a bond between you and your travel partner. This can look so many different ways, but if you ask me whether or not I had a good trip, the answer comes down to whether or not I experienced connection.
 
The answer is usually a resounding yes.

On Seven Years After Coffee

I met Tim in college. He was spending a year on exchange from England. I had just spent a semester in Argentina and wanted to hang with international students all the time. We grabbed coffee and hit it off. That was seven years ago.

I met Sarah a year and a half later when Tim was back in England and I was visiting London. They just started dating. Though we kept in touch, that was the last time I saw Tim in person until this weekend.

This is one of my favorite things about life. The simple coffee and conversation can turn into a wedding abroad seven years later. It really makes me wonder what seeds I’m planting in my life right now and what they’ll be in seven years.

On Making Change

I've been obsessed with this quote lately–

“Think about what you tried to build today and ask yourself if it will change the world into the one we need. If not, why not?”

–Elan Mastai

We don't need to accept the world the way that it's been handed to us. We don't need to take all of its assumptions for granted. Its very nature was designed to adapt, evolve, and improve as time unfolds. And there's no need to be a passive spectator to the process. Life is our invitation to get involved.

There are so many ways to help the world evolve into the one we'd rather live in. It seems like there's no wrong way to get started just as long as we, you know, start.

On Tapping Into WHY

You know that part of Dead Poet’s Society where Robin Williams goes on a tirade against the word ‘very’ as a lazy person’s way to avoid richer, more descriptive words?

I realize I feel a pretty similar way about people doing things just because they’re “cool things to do.”

Travel’s a great example. There are so many great reasons to want to see places- to gain understanding, to satisfy curiosity, to recharge, to connect or reconnect, to serve others, to discover one’s self. But going places just as a status symbol is far less interesting.

Of course, everybody does stuff because it looks cool, just like everybody uses the word ‘very.’ But I think it’s worth encouraging ourselves to go beyond that. When we tap into the WHY behind the things we do, they come to life.

On Everybody Having a Struggle

What are you learning lately?

What I’ve been learning is that:

a) At any given moment, everybody’s got some kind of struggle

b) Those struggles are usually kept hidden

c) Those hidden struggles actually have a better ability to connect us to each other than anything else

This lines up so well with what Kevin Love recently wrote on an article I retweeted. It should be required reading for everybody. "Everyone is going through something we can’t see."

“The reality is that we probably have a lot in common with what our friends and colleagues and neighbors are dealing with. So I’m not saying everyone should share all their deepest secrets – not everything should be public and it’s every person’s choice. But creating a better environment for talking about mental health… that’s where we need to get to.”

The past month hasn’t exactly been the easiest, but I’ve also heard things that other people are going through that remind me that there’s no room to be bitter, and so much need for compassion.

On Presence Over Problem-Solving

What are you learning right now?

I’m learning- probably re-learning- that you can’t always solve everybody’s problems or remove their suffering the way you wish you could. If you have a strong impulse to help others, it can be really frustrating to just have to be a witness to their pain without being able to remove it.

I’m learning, that in spite of that, you can still look for ways to serve compassionately. You might not be able to remove someone’s pain, but you can go above and beyond when it comes to adding joy, love, and presence. Being a problem-solver is a good thing, but it isn’t everything. 

On Undivided Attention

Doing things with undivided attention doesn’t come natural to me. I like to think steps ahead. I like to get a lot done, often trying to squeeze in even more by making things overlap.

It’s a skill I hope to keep working on, that’ll I’ll probably always be working on to be honest.

The past few years have been good to me. But as I get older and a little more settled into a life I spent most of this decade building and working towards, I’m realizing that it’s actually easy to be so future oriented that you forget to enjoy things right in front of you that you used to dream about.

As we get deeper into the year, I hope to see it less as a race against calendars and clocks in order to check boxes, but more like a package of moments, each with its own scents and sounds and intricacies to get to know.