Paternity Leave

I wanted to capture a snapshot of what things have been like during these earliest days of Rhys’ life. This one features his fan mail and his first trip out to the beach.

Creativity and Fatherhood

Ever since this lil’ dude showed up a couple weeks ago, I’ve been really wanting to start making all kinds of things. Video projects, writing, even my camera wants to get out and have some more fun. I’m not saying that having a kid is a creativity hack, but I’ll take the creative boost.

That’s kinda neat, cause I imagined spending all this time just at home trying to sneak in sleep in 10 minute increments, but I’m actually pumped for so many things in the next year. Stuff to make. Places to see. Things to learn. Being a new dad takes a lot of energy but it also comes back around in the form of inspiration. Thanks kid!

Dear America

What makes someone a citizen? Papers? Loyalty? Community?

“I refuse to live a life of fear defined by a government that doesn't even know why it fears what it fears. Because I am not a citizen by law or by birth, I've had to create and hold on to a different kind of citizenship.... Citizenship is showing up. Citizenship is using your voice while making sure you hear other people around you. Citizenship is how you live your life.”

–Jose Antonio Vargas

This was a deeply moving book for me. So thankful for Jose Antonio Vargas’ voice.

He writes about being undocumented and migration, but his is just as much a story about separation and belonging. Whenever our understanding of such topics human element, we move towards separation. Not just in the way borders separate us, but a spiritual separation that happens when we forget the ways we belong to each other.

The Name Rhys

R H Y S • M I G U E L

The Story of His Name

RHYS // 🇦🇺 // The first International trip I took by myself was to Australia. It was perhaps my first taste in what would become a lifelong love of travel and discovering myself through discovering places. Anyways, the name Rhys was fairly common over there. I met like, four. I kept liking their name for the next 12+ years apparently, and it still reminds me of adventure and independence.

RHYS // 🏺 // I looked it up and apparently the name literally means enthusiast, which is great. That’s my persona, according to the Enneagram and that stems from EN•THEOS, or ‘within God-‘ the true source of my enthusiasm.

RHYS // 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿 // When you spell it this way, the name has a Welsh origin and can be traced to the warrior-prince Rhys ap Gruffydd. Deanna has some Welsh heritage, and at the time of Gruffydd’s rule, the Welsh people were known for overcoming ridiculous obstacles. If that’s not fitting for our guy, I don’t know what else is. He showed up in our lives in the middle of chaos and overcame such a complicated pregnancy.

MIGUEL // 💟 // I don’t know if there’s anyone I look up to the way I look up to my Aunt Ella- short for Miguela. I could go on and on about her, but she is the most selfless person I know and especially played a big role in my life when my dad passed. She’s 86 now and I’m so thankful she’s had a chance to meet Rhys.

MIGUEL // 💟 // It’s also a Latin/masculine variation on Michelle, Deanna’s sister’s name.

MIGUEL // 🎸 // His birthday also overlaps with Dia de Los Muertos and we do love Coco.

And according to a very different source, his Urban Dictionary definition is maybe the most flattering one I’ve come across: to know Rhys is like being besties with Jesus.

Loving Dad Life

It’s been two weeks with Rhys and I have to report that this absolutely feels right.

It’s new territory for us, and it’s been physically tiring. But I also feel so spiritually energized. Simply put, I really, really love being a dad.

For sure, this role will always evolve, but I’m already loving these earliest days, even when the main goal is to pretty much keep him alive. At this point in life, there are realms of possibility in front of him, but we’re already really happy right where we are now.

Twenty Thirteen

I’ll never have a year quite like 2013.

I decided I was at a pretty unique point in life. I didn’t have a lot of commitments and I knew life wouldn’t look like that forever, so I tried to travel as much as possible and learn as much about the world as possible. Especially in the realm of international development.

I spent the first part of the year in South Africa, an experience that was isolating and challenging and taught me some of my most valuable lessons. I learned the spiritual practice of silence. I learned that lasting change takes a lasting commitment. I learned that presence was the most valuable thing I had to offer anyone.

I took side trips to Zambia, Zimbabwe, and Botswana. That summer, Deanna and I took our first trip together to Europe. We based ourselves in London and I got to spend time in Morocco, Norway, Amsterdam, Belgium, Copenhagen, Germany, Switzerland, Sweden, and Liechtenstein. I reconnected with so many friends in Europe.

I lived in San Diego for a bit. And in Bakersfield for a bit. I lived extremely minimally, mostly sleeping on an air mattress in a room I rented for $300. I worked as a substitute teacher and in a movie theatre. Subbing in a rough school district taught me as much as some of my trips. All my spare cash went either to traveling or to the stash I started putting away for an engagement ring.

The Village it Took

It takes a village has already gone into effect.

I had some reservations before moving back to San Diego- like the cost of living or the fact that 80° F in mid-November just isn’t right. But we wanted to start a family and we knew that we wanted more of our people around us when that happened.

We’re already realizing the benefit of that.

A MEGA thanks to all the people who’ve chipped in various ways to help make Rhys’ first few days and our transition into parenthood about as smooth as we could’ve hoped for. A few special shoutouts: my mother-in-law Beth for helping with the fussy times and giving us way less to worry about over the past week. Sophie for helping look after the furry big sis while Rhys was arriving. Ivy for helping make sure we’re all fed and being a rad aunt.

There are so many of you who’ve given us items that have already been put to good use, helpful tips, or just good vibes and encouragement.

THANK YOU. I feel the love anybody shows to my kiddo and my family.

Introducing Rhys Miguel

Rhys just passed his due date- but we’ve already got a one week old now. We got to go home on Sunday night, but I hit record while at the hospital to remember some of the magic of the moment.

November 2019

#305 We’re Parents

01 November 2019 // San Diego, California

I’ve seen a lot of beautiful moments, but never one like this.

#306 I’m a Dad!

02 November 2019 // San Diego, California

It’s been two days with Rhys and I have to report that this feels right. It absolutely feels right.

It’s new territory for us, and it’s been physically tiring. But I also feel so spiritually energized. Simply put, I really, really love being a dad.

It’s a role that will look pretty different every year for the rest of my life, but I’m already loving these earliest days, where the goal is to pretty much keep him alive. At this point in life, there are realms of possibility in front of him, but we’re already really happy right where we are now.

#307 Rhys Meets the Aunts

03 November 2019 // San Diego, California

Today Rhys met his middle name’s namesake- Auntie Ella. Miguela.

I have always wanted to know that Auntie Ella and Auntie Fely would have a chance to meet my child. Today it happened and I am so glad it did. Those two have given so much to make my life what it is. By extension, they’ve given a lot to Rhys, too.

I always say that Auntie Ella is the most generous person that I know. That she shows us all a better way to live.

The other big lesson that I get from Auntie Ella’s life is that life can be pretty difficult, but it can also be so beautiful. A hard life isn’t always a bad life. Quite often, it’s the exact opposite.

These are values I hope get passed from Auntie Ella and Auntie Fely on to Rhys. And I hope that the years they get to overlap on this earth are a generous number. But I know I’ll have a part in helping him learn to live those values. They’re great building blocks for a great life.

#308 Sweet Rhys

04 November 2019 // San Diego, California

It’s never been hard to picture Deanna as a mom.

Like, she naturally has all the qualities of a great mother. She makes everybody she’s around into better people. She’s caring and selfless, she’s beautifully wise, and she’s emotionally intelligent to her core.

It’s one of the reasons why I remained convinced we were supposed to be parents, even after trying unsuccessfully for a while. She simply seemed made for it.

Actually getting to see her in the role for the past few days has been absolutely beautiful. The patience and love and selflessness she shows while feeding Rhys or helping him get adjusted to the world are remarkable.

I keep thinking of all she’s physically done to prepare her body to mother Rhys- fighting back illnesses over the summer, watching her blood sugar and insulin ratios like a hawk, maintaining her health, visiting the doctor every other week, it’s pure selflessness. It’s pure love.

I’ve gotten to see a lot of beautiful things, but it doesn’t get much better than this.

#309 Held By Nana

05 November 2019 // San Diego, California

I wasn’t expecting it, but the most common thing people have said to us while congratulating us on Rhys has been this:

<< He’s perfect. >>

I receive all those wishes with gratitude, but also, what a surprise. I likely have different associations with the word perfect. Perfection isn’t something I really celebrate, because to me it seems like a concept that does more harm than good when you make it your target.

BUTTTTTTTT—

Looking at Rhys, feeling him squirm around in my arms, having him stare back with his big baby eyes, I totally get what everybody is talking about. Because his arrival and presence on this planet could not have been better scripted.

He is a child of hope. He is supposed to be here. It feels like, in a way I never could’ve expected, everything has unfolded the way it was meant to from true beginning of time.

And I wouldn’t change a thing.

I take it that’s what everybody means by perfect. And put that way, they’re absolutely right.

#310 Packed Up

06 November 2019 // San Diego, California

We’ve gone back and forth a few times on getting Rhys baptized.

Deanna is hesitant. She believes strongly that it should be his own decision, like his own faith, when he’s old enough to make it.

I get that. I grew up with the same idea.

But also, I was baptized Catholic at three months and even though I didn’t continue to practice Catholicism, I’m so thankful that it happened.

I’m warmer towards getting him baptized soon- the idea that your faith isn’t an individualistic thing that happens in a vacuum resonates with me. So does the idea that God is with you on the journey since day one.

And then there are dedication ceremonies and stuff, but to me it sometimes it feels like wanting the ceremony without the commitment. Or a chance for the pastor to go off on a mini “my way is right” rant about why his church doesn’t do the infant thing.

I do want him to be baptized. But I want both of us to be on board if it happens. So for now we wait and pray and consider.

It’s rare for us to not be on the same page that involves either spirituality or parenting, let alone both. And there are far worse things we could see differently. 

What we do mutually want is for Rhys to grow up and have his own relationship- a sonship, a friendship, a loving partnership, with God.

And in that item, we’ve heard pretty similar things.

“It’s already begun.”

“Before he has the capability to choose me, I’ve already chosen him.

#311 A Family Walk

07 November 2019 // San Diego, California

The most surprising thing about paternity leave so far? It’s going by really fast. And I don’t like that!

So everybody talks about how time goes by super fast when you have a kid- but I didn’t think that would apply so readily to the earliest days. You know. For starters, everything is new. Time usually seems to gain elasticity and stretch when you’re in a new setting- the first week of school, right after a move, when traveling. Not so much with this kid, though.

I would’ve thought the late night shifts of feeding and what not would almost pull us out of time for a little while. And I would’ve thought the challenge of it would make one day seem like a long time. I already have a one week old.

I’ll have to keep making an effort to slow things down mentally- to take it slow and mindfully. I don’t want the stuff that’s left to rush by. I need it to go slow. I love just being around Deanna and Rhys and Beignet right now and I have all kinds of patience for wanting to do much else.

#312 Coffee With a Baby

08 November 2019 // San Diego, California

Doing something intentionally means that you have some idea of what things will look like if you do them the way you hope to. Trying to think ahead to a future checkpoint and asking myself how I want things to be has helped me at work, spiritually, relationally, financially, physically, and all that.

So there’s no reason not to apply that to fatherhood.

I will have been a good dad for the first five years of Rhys’ life if…

He has absolutely no doubt I love him.

He trusts that I’m around for him.

He has a few memories of us doing fun stuff together- I know memories prior to five tend to be pretty scarce, but I hope to luck out and solidify a couple.

He tries to treat other people with love and respect as best he can.

His physical needs are provided for.

#313 Rhysey Piecey

09 November 2019 // San Diego, California

I’ve been pretty curious to see what impact becoming a dad would have on my creative drive.

A bit before Rhys was born, it felt like I was on a creative high. I just got my new camera. I discovered new creators who were inspiring me. I had so many ideas. They were a bit scattered and not every idea was a good idea, but they were happening.

In the back of my mind the whole time I knew that when the baby came along, things would change in some way. Not in any way I could especially predict, though. Would I care less? Would I have even more inspiration?

What’s the link between doing creative work and raising a kid? I knew there would have to be one.

I’m starting to see some of that link. I mean, it’s only been a week and a half, so I’ll probably need to revisit this question at some point in the future, but for now, here’s what I’ve got.

Sometimes it’s a bit harder to find time to do the work. At this point I can’t block off hours and hours of deep work like I used to. But I do feel like I have more energy and inspiration to do my work.

At times before, my audience has felt abstract and purely aspirational. Now I know that at least what I make has the potential to reach Rhys at future points in time with Messages he might need to hear. That gives me more urgency to keep making and to not hold back so much- and that’s something I’ve been wanting to work on. Maybe someday he’s going through something. Maybe that day is after I’m no longer here,  it knowing that I’ve made something helps bridge that gap. I’ve treasured every artifact my dad left for me.

When it comes to making things, I can be a bit of a machine. I don’t mean that to be self flattery but I do mean I can just put my head down and grind out a ton of projects in one sitting. I generally like that about myself, except sometimes it comes at the cost of being present. But being deeply present is a necessary ingredient for creativity. And it’s absolutely key to being a good dad.

Right now, I feel full of ideas I can’t wait to start working on. And I care less about how they’re received broadly and more about the message they might contain for the right person who needs it. Maybe Rhys. Maybe somebody else. Either way, this is a much better headspace to be in while creating.

I can’t wait to let a little more time go by and to revisit this question later.

#314 Skin to Skin

10 November 2019 // San Diego, California

This year, I’ve had the greatest lesson in hope I could ever imagine or ask for. Rhys’ unexpected but much anticipated arrival couldn’t have been better scripted.

When I think about the journey of 2018 and 2019, the words You will be thankful stand out. So does the promise In a year, you will see how good I Am, heard about one year ago.

When I first heard that, I immediately thought, so that’s when we’ll have a baby? But that seemed too direct to what I’d been hoping for for so long, I thought the idea of it working out seemed too good to be true. Too easy of a way to get our hopes up.

But that wasn’t too good to be true.

I also wondered if the “good thing” I would see would have to do with Deanna’s health. At that point, I was wondering if we were in the verge of a sharp decline. The way she could get so sick so fast was scary.

I similarly stifled those thoughts. Even though I deal with anxiety by not dwelling on the worst case scenario, sometimes, I find it just as hard to think about the best case scenario. Because… what if it doesn’t happen.

Rhys’ birth is enough for me to see God’s goodness. But I couldn’t help but be struck by the fact that within a week of his birth, the FDA approved Trikafta- a genomic corrector for CF. The LA Times ran an article on it. Twitter had a headline that made it seem like the biggest breakthrough for CF yet. And maybe it is.

I’ve heard people call it the miracle pill. I’ve heard ridiculously positive results from the clinical trials. Stats that are shockingly good. 

Could this really be the thing I’ve been praying for for as long as we’ve been dating?

Even now, my instinct is to protect my hopes by tempering expectations. Is that even possible though? Hope is still hope. Disappointment would still be disappointment. A miracle is a miracle.

Like this time a year ago, there’s a lot we don’t know. But man, this just might be shaping up to be the most incredible story. From learning more about her health the day after we started dating to spending our first married Valentines Day in a hospital to everything going on around Rhys’ birth.

I don’t think this story is ready to be told, but there might be a day when I can’t talk about anything else.

#315 Wrap & Walk

11 November 2019 // San Diego, California

The first part of my day had a good groove to it. Woke up. Fed Beignet. Made coffee. Walked Beignet. Responded to a few messages. Edited some photos.

It felt like there was a nice rhythm happening and everything was getting done in little intervals.

Then the second half of the day came. Editing a graphic design project took forever. I had to cram in video recording to get stuff done before losing daylight. I only mostly finished editing the video.

I think I got a little too lost in my work. While I did get to spend some good times comforting and taking care of Rhys, it did feel like I worked on everything longer than I wanted to. Even though I have a ton of fun working on stuff.

Here’s the new challenge, I guess. Finding a new workflow that works for my new life. Perhaps more containers are what I need. Designated times for getting things done. Or maybe it’s something else. I’ve already reworked my production line to be something I hope is more manageable. I guess these days are for the test drive.

#316 Disney+

12 November 2019 // San Diego, California

Two things happened today.

Rhys was circumcised and Disney+ was released. The former will have much more personal consequences to him over time, but I feel much more like talking about the latter.

In the grand scheme of things, I think that Disney owning like, half of all entertainment isn’t really a good thing, in principle. Creativity benefits from diversity and while their makers are a wide team, having such a gargantuan gatekeeper in the industry will take a toll on newer ideas and younger creators.

That said, this is one way to get around the barriers of outdated copyright practices and to give people what they want, so it’s still exciting and I’m happy I get to spend the evening streaming from Disney+.

Even within a humongous corporation that would be easy to dismiss, Disney has so many people on board doing things right. Three of my top ten films this decade were animated features by Pixar. Projects like Black Panther and Coco were such big representation wins.

I think it’s kind of like having some really good hearted politicians working within a flawed political system. Or simply being able to do great work in a macroenvironment that has its concerns.

There’s some room for that. In a world with a lot of big picture, systemic injustices. Many of us have to play in that space.

#317 Rhys’ First Dog Park

13 November 2019 // San Diego, California

I spent some time transferring archived photos today. I mostly worked on stuff from 2012, and I was reminded of what a remarkable year I had that year. I couldn’t believe how radically different one month would look from another that year. Portland that February. New England in March. The winter during my senior year and my summertime victory lap in Santa Barbara looked so different from one another. Then there was LiNK. The simple excitement and fresh feeling of being “on my way” to Denver, to Ohio, to Albuquerque, or wherever— that was exhilarating. And on top of all that Deanna and I started dating and the circumstances of that were eventful enough to make the year eventful all on their own.

Contrast that with today. We woke up, I spent most of the morning on the computer. We tried to take Beignet to the dog park less than two miles away and that was a struggle. There was too much dust in the air for Rhys. He got fussy and needed to eat shortly after. We cancelled plans to get coffee afterwards.

I went from seeing half the states in a year to struggling to make it two miles away.

But I’m not complaining about that. Life has its cycles and what not. To live forever without a sense of roots- that would take its toll on me. I need both at different times and I’m so thankful to have had both. And I’m sure these cycles will continue to shift and rotate and look different year after year.

The main thing is doing what matters at just the right time. At this point, I think that’s been done well.

#318 Lava Cake Delivery

14 November 2019 // San Diego, California

I went down another creative wormhole today. I started sketching a reboot of my website. When I’ve done this in the past, it's usually been out of a place of wanting to prove something. After all, that’s kind of what people go to websites to look for- validation to see if you are who you say you are.

This time around, while I was thinking of what to include in my portfolio- or how to introduce what I do for work, etc., I started simply feeling really grateful. I do have a job that feeds my creative desires and creative projects that give fuel to the work I do. I earn enough income so it’s rather sustainable. I get to work for a cause I actually believe in. I like this a lot!

I felt myself being thankful for each thing I was able to say on my website pages.

A year ago, I was told I would be thankful. I have one, if not two very big reasons to be thankful right now. But I also shouldn’t overlook the millions of other smaller reasons. They’re just as legit.

#319 Rhys’ First Beach Day

15 November 2019 // Coronado, California

I’ve been reading Gregory Boyle’s Tattoos on The Heart and for starters, it’s been the first book in years that I’ve read that has been this spiritually nourishing. So much of it is a portrait of compassion.

One thing that stands out to me is the amount of people who he’s had to bury. Many of whom were trying to escape life in gangs. There are also frequent cases of people getting caught up in past vices and returning to old lifestyles that aren’t easy to quit.

That reminds me of a counselor who once talked about how everyone working in counseling needs to be prepared for their first. First what? Their first client who ends up committing suicide.

If you work in a role that calls for compassion, you’re not going to win every battle. Compassion literally means shared suffering. Sure you should always play to win, but I don’t know if you can truly be compassionate if you don’t know how to take an L. The places compassion sends you are typically challenging, nobody escapes with a 16-0 perfect record.

The human rights attorneys I admire lose many of their cases. The best healthcare providers have patients die in their care. I work to solve environmental problems but that still often feels like a losing battle.

Sometimes the question isn’t if you won or not.

Are you losing at the right things?

Did you show up anyway?

What did you learn?

#320 Uncle Bob & Aunt Viv Meet Rhys

16 November 2019 // San Diego, California

In a lot of ways, the despair of last year is starting to feel more and more distant. It’s getting harder and harder to tap into just how hard some of those days were- they times where I would have to get up and just start walking and praying or to sit alone in a car for a really long time, thinking about life without a kid ever being part of it.

Those were the worst, but as we’re in the thick of raising the kid we wound up having, it’s been so easy to forget about how miserable that was.

On one hand, good. Right? I can think of far worse things to forget than that feeling. I’m so glad that it’s been so far removed from our present reality. What a blessing.

At the same time, I don’t know if I ever want to forget. It was the bitterness of those times that made Rhys’ arrival all the more sweeter. It’s like the view from the top after a treacherous climb.

I’m sure in some ways I’ll never forget it, and I definitely don’t want to forget the gift that was 2019. What a journey.

#321 SLEEP FOR Rhys

17 November 2019 // San Diego, California

Over the past few weeks the following things have happened:

We got an early Christmas present worth thousands.

But also…

The price of flights we were planning to take this summer went up a good chunk before we could book them.

But also…

I got a design gig worth a few hundred. Then it got cancelled.

Then…

I dropped my iPad, costing $200 in repairs.

But…

I potentially found a new source of recurring revenue for the next year and I’m excited about that.

Money isn’t as predictable as we’d like, but that goes both ways. There are good surprises and bad ones. When it comes to making decisions, money should be a factor, but things like time and health are far more predictable. They are also far less likely to surprisingly replenish themselves, though you can also lose them instantaneously. Most people choose pessimism with money and optimism with health and time. It might be money might actually be the one most worthy of some optimism.

#322 matching with lola

18 November 2019 // San Diego, California

My job at Plant With Purpose made it far easier for us to say yes to moving to San Diego. I suppose if I got a similar offer from a similarly cool organization in Portland or Sacramento, I would’ve said yes. I also think if I got a San Diego offer from a less appealing place I would’ve said no. Or I would’ve said yes but just been sad about it.

But what if I was doing what I was doing right now in Portland or Sac?

Earning a similar income, with Rhys now in the picture.

Sure, I’d probably be saving about $600 a month on housing and maybe add another $200 for other cost of living differences.

$800 a month doesn’t really cover full childcare. At best we could break even to what we’re paying now, but even fantastic childcare is no substitute for getting time with his Lola, hopefully learning Tagalog, and getting more personal attention. Not to mention, a good immunity boost.

I suppose nothing good gets away, even when the resistance comes from me.

#323 my Good Weather

19 November 2019 // San Diego, California

Western Culture values independence. Sometimes for good, sometimes to a fault. I think this stands out to me the most when it comes to family care.

In a lot of societies, childcare is this communal thing. Moms can rest, recover, and keep well when a whole village is around. At the very least, a grandmother can step in and help.

It swings back years down the road at the end of life. Children can become caretakers of the elderly, offering presence at the end of life.

I know not everybody has access to this, but if we’re talking about the realm of ideals, I think this is how I like things. Who else makes more sense to be there during our most vulnerable stages of life than our parents, grandparents, or children? Who can beat the level of love family provides?

We outsource so much of that in the US. Child care and elder care are expensive. And what does that free us to do? Work more so we can keep paying for the services? Again, I know many different people have many different reasons for needing these services, so no judgement. But there is a good reason for us to rethink what we consider normal.

#324 RVHC Season

20 November 2019 // San Diego, California

This week, I planned to get quite a bit done. Then we got halfway through and hardly any of it happened. My iPad- which was supposed to be repaired in an hour- ended up taking three days. It was weirdly difficult to get to a coffee shop with WiFi to do things from there. Even times that felt open would suddenly be filled by the need to settle a fussy Rhys.

For the past few years, I’ve kind of made a hallmark out of efficiency. I’ve simply had an unusual knack for getting a large amount of things done in a short span of time, being able to keep different plates spinning. It’s probably been one of my most valuable qualities at work, and it serves me well outside of work too.

Except, this week, I’m realizing all the ways things don’t go to plan.

And I’m okay with that. If this is the point in my life where efficiency ends, I think it could be for the better. The more I pay attention to the totality of life, it seems like the best things people end up doing are radically inefficient. But somehow, all that extensive labor ends up worth it.

#325 Chamorro Plate

21 November 2019 // San Diego, California

Two weeks left on paternity leave and I’m determined to let them trickle slowly.

At the end of it, I’ll have a one month old, and we’ll be a twelfth of the way to his first birthday.

I want things to pass slowly. Even though these days have a bunch of challenges when it comes to keeping him fed and content. I’ll miss this newborn phase when it’s all over.

Now that some of the rhythms of new parenthood are getting more familiar, I’m ready to start my days slowly, getting one meaningful thing done early. I’m ready to slowly bask in whatever that days outing happens to be. I’m ready to take in more mindful moments.

I’ve noted how this marks the end of the Efficient Era in my life, and maybe this is another way that this is a good thing. Efficiency means getting a lot done in a short amount of time, but it also makes the world around you go by in a hurry too, huh? When you race against the clock to see how much you can get done, it seems fast, because it’ll always feel like you can do a bit more. It’s like a chess match against a computer.

There’s still a lot I want to make. A lot I want to do. But I’m happy to worry less about blitzing it.

#326 MNGO Cup

22 November 2019 // San Diego, California

I take a lot of photos. I take them to stay in the moment. I look at them to go back to moments once they’ve passed.

Lately I’ve been learning a little bit more about what happens to your brain as a result of photography. The phenomenon of being able to take hundreds of photos in a single day, mostly duplicates of the same event, and to never look at them again has been a relatively recent thing.

I’ve learned that when you rely predominantly on a photograph to remember a moment, it also runs the effect of making you more likely to forget other sensory details. Plus, I think you’ll also be most likely to remember things close to how they appeared in the shot, whilst forgetting things off screen just around the corner.

Photography is still a great way for me to stay in the moment during an event and to capture a memory, but I’m finding that taking pictures alone isn’t enough.

Deleting excess photos, curating albums, and organizing them is also important to forming the memory. Thankfully, that habit is pretty deeply ingrained for me.

I also think printing pictures, or at least putting them somewhere to be easily seen, shared, and referenced is an important part of the equation. It’s never been easier to store tons of photos, but that storage is pointless if they’re not occasionally revisited and shared with friends. Having prints handy is a good way to make sure that still happens.

#327 Balboa Afternoon

23 November 2019 // San Diego, California

Was my trip to Colombia still part of this year? In some ways this year has gone by fast but in other ways, May feels forever ago, when I was visiting some university students in a post-conflict community learning about peace building from them.

Problem solving is a good thing. The same part of my brain that digs improv and escape rooms and the mental components of baseball also gets charged by thinking about global issues through that lens.

But I’ve also learned that problem solving isn’t everything. Proximity is even more fundamental. Things begin and end with showing up and moving closer to the people who are affected by the problem. Problem solving without proximity often creates further problems. Proximity is the birthplace of lasting solutions. And proximity for its own sake is a beautiful, underrated thing.

#328 Simon Meets Rhys

24 November 2019 // San Diego, California

Every now and then, I try to reassess my comfort zone. Knowing where I’m comfortable helps me realize where I’m uncomfortable, and knowing that helps me see my areas for growth.

These days, it’s hard thinking of a physical place that represents my discomfort zone. Hospitals, oddly enough, led me towards more good things than bad things this year. Staying at home used to feel like a threat. I still wouldn’t be thrilled to sit put forever and always, but I also don’t mind it as much. Perhaps my physical space of discomfort is anywhere where I’m starved of nature. But that seems like a human thing and I’m not sure what to do about that.

As far as non-physical discomfort zones go… I’m thinking that being less productive is something that still seems like a threat to me. I like getting things done. And perhaps the challenge to me over the next year or so revolves around doing less. Doing fewer things but doing better things. I hope I’m setting myself up in a good position for that!

#329 Xiao Long Bao

25 November 2019 // La Jolla, California

Part of being an adult means being able to assess in less than a minute whether or not somebody shares the same worldview as you. Right?

Like, we all know certain word choices, certain terms that can let us know whether or not a new person sees most major issues the same way as us. If they have our same views, then things go pretty smoothly, usually. If not, then we act in a fight or flight sort of way. We distance ourselves from this person and prepare our arsenal of talking points just in case we need them.

Kids don’t do this for the most part. At least not the way we do. Even in high school, I couldn’t tell you most people’s political leanings. I couldn’t have even told you my own.

What if instead of being so quick to sort people out by where they land on issues, we switched the conversation to values? Sure some issues are more black and white than others and can very clearly display our values, but other times, there can be relatable reasons to see something differently.

I’m aiming to talk to people about the hot issue of the moment less. Those discussions are everywhere anyways. Instead, we need to talk more about values and that’s what I hope to do!

#330 Thanksgiving Shopping

26 November 2019 // San Diego, California

I’ve been making a bunch of videos lately and I’m feeling the creative FLOW. It’s been a long time since I’ve been this excited about making stuff.

Yesterday I hit publish on a video about the biggest lesson the past two years have taught me. It joined videos about child sponsorship, paternity leave, and a tour of our nursery that I’ve published in recent weeks.

Here’s how I know this is the right creative quest to embark on at the moment:

It feels like I keep having ideas for what I want to make faster than I can make them. There’s a time and place for pushing through creative droughts, but there’s a big difference between having something essential to say and trying to force yourself to say something.

This feels like play. Hitting record. Looking for the right B-Roll. Making the edits. It’s fun for me.

There’s still an element of discomfort there. Getting comfortable with being in front of a camera has taken me more getting used to than being on stage or behind a podcast mic. But vulnerability is so important for creativity.

Maybe I’ve just become a modern day equivalent of a 90s dad who spends the whole vacation pointing the camcorder at his kids but doesn’t really know what to say so he just makes them wave and say hi over and over and over. Or maybe I actually just opened up a new door to a creative playground.

#331 Rhys Asleep

27 November 2019 // San Diego, California

Last year ended on such a bleak note. This year ends on a brilliant and beautiful high note.

You know what movie represented 2018 really well? Avengers: Infinity War. The good guys lose in the end. And you know what sums up 2019? Endgame. The return of life and possibility.

So what of 2020 and the years to come? The past two years were such a roller coaster: the empty months, Haiti, the year of fighting for hope, a season of chaos, the day we heard the heartbeat, the Carolina Scare, the extremely complicated pregnancy, and finally, Rhys and a world of thanks. It’s been such a dramatic and poetic chapter but the story does go on.

But where to? I don’t know and I’m extremely curious.

There’s Rhys’ rookie year as a human being and all the milestones he’ll hit. First words and steps and all the things. We’ll have his first time out of country and his earliest adventures. And there will be trying to figure out how to integrate being a dad with everything else I do.

Speaking of, Plant With Purpose is evolving a lot. And while it seems I might scale my ambitions back to make things more sustainable in the next year, I do see my role shifting. There are really cool opportunities to be had. I am at my dream job and I am meant to be here. The team is growing. There are, of course, times where it feels like things move too slow for my comfort. In the long run, though, I suspect that’s preparing me for bigger things ahead.

And?? With video, I may have just unearthed my next big creative outlet. I’m looking forward to what comes of it.

#332 Rhys’ First Thanksgiving

27 November 2019 // San Diego, California

Rhys finally got to meet his cousin Zara and the two of them spend their first Thanksgiving together yesterday. After meeting Simon and Luke earlier in the week- that’s three cousins in the past five days.

Also, my mom wanted us all to wear these matching nutrition facts t-shirts, but somebody in the shipping department replaced the Gravy shirt with a “Resist! #SupportHongKong” tee and I’m thankful for low key activists in fulfillment centers around their world playing their part.

A whole day inviting us to focus on gratitude and family. Where do I even begin?

One year and so many things have changed. Last November, I was in a really tough spot and heard the words “in a year from now, you will be thankful” whispered to my heart. Too good to be true. I dismissed it. But here we are and the words could never be truer.

I’ve had some good years, but I’m in the midst of one of the most joyful seasons of my life. I’m thankful for the big pieces. My boy Rhys. Getting to share the whole experience with my best friend.  Having treasured people in my life near and far away. Getting to do things I love to make life better for people.

And there’s also the littler things. The rain today and a Muppets Christmas Carol and taking advantage of my parents’ place to do Rhys’ laundry and passing time by goofing around on Illustrator and red velvet hot cocoa and looking up campsites adjacent to national parks.

#333 All I Ever Wanted

28 November 2019 // San Diego, California

Today we went on a real long walk around North Park. Shank N Bone. The BBQ Pit. Verbatim. Waypoint. True North. Tamarindo. All places we pass by all the time that I have yet to pay a proper visit. I’d like to.

I love that the rain has finally struck San Diego and we’re in the cooler part of the year. I love the feeling of a place right after it has rained. I love the freshness of the air and the sense of being awake but also kind of cozy. It reminds me of places that aren’t San Diego, places where once the weather changes, the entire vibe of life shifts a little bit.

I much prefer being able to live season-by-season. Being able to take in what makes each little stretch of life unique allows me to appreciate all the good stuff each one has to offer. I guess having Rhys helps with that right now, because we now take things month by month. Each different than the one before.

But I want to really take in how each month feels. The songs I can’t get out of my head each month. The flavors of the eateries I discover. The movies I’m in the mood for.

I don’t like to just blur into one long stretch. I want it to be a mosaic of diverse and unique episodes, each with its own unique identity.

I guess a lot of that is up to me.

#334 One Month of Rhys

29 November 2019 // San Diego, California

And we’ve got ourselves a one month old now!

Rhys’ favorite things right now include being wrapped up to go outside, impersonating a bleating goat, and Mad World– the creepy Donnie Darko version. We’ve tried the other, more baby-appropriate songs, but Mad World is the only one that gets him to sleep sometimes. Kind of funny, kind of sad.

As for me, I love every bit of being a dad. Rhys’ dad. The joy is so real. Joy is the default reaction to the simple fact that he exists, and I think that’s a good portion of what love is like. Watching him do his thing is so mesmerizing.

So Proud of Deanna

More of that Sweet Baby Rhys content you’re all craving in a minute, but first I gotta rave about his momma.

It’s never been hard to picture Deanna as a mom.

Like, she naturally has all the qualities of a great mother. She makes everybody she’s around into better people. She’s caring and selfless, she’s beautifully wise, and she’s emotionally intelligent to her core.

It’s one of the reasons why I remained convinced we were supposed to be parents, even after trying unsuccessfully for a while. She simply seemed made for it.

Actually getting to see her in the role for the past few days has been absolutely beautiful. The patience and love and selflessness she shows while feeding Rhys, cheering him on as he learns how to latch, helping him get adjusted to the world are remarkable.

I keep thinking of all she’s physically done to prepare her body to mother Rhys- fighting back illnesses over the summer, watching her blood sugar and insulin ratios like a hawk, maintaining her health, visiting the doctor every other week, it’s pure selflessness. It’s pure love.

I’ve gotten to see a lot of beautiful things, but it doesn’t get much better than this.

Rhys Miguel

What a blessing. What an adventure. What a journey. And you know what? It’s simply just begun!

Rhys Miguel Lazaro arrived at 8:09 in the morning of October 31st at 7lbs 4oz, and 19 inches long.

I am so in love with this guy! I can’t believe I get to be his dad.

Deanna is recovering and is doing well. Rhys is a strong and healthy baby. It seems like he has his mom’s strength and spirit. I couldn’t be prouder of the two of them.

And We’re Off!

And we’re off!
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Bags packed.
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Hospital bound.
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Can’t believe this is finally happening.

Twenty Twelve

As I’m becoming a new dad, you’ll just have to get used to me being all the more nostalgic and sentimental about everything– especially while I go over the highlights of this almost-ending decade.
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2012 was an absurdly eventful year. There were some major things that happened. Like…
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🏝 I graduated from UCSB. The Santa Barbara life I knew and loved for years came to an abrupt end. Fortunately I got to spend my summer around town, enjoying one more hurrah.

🥂This was the year Deanna and I started dating. We were friends for almost three years by now, but we managed to become more-than-friends with just a week before graduating.
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🛣 In the fall, I spent time as a nomad with Liberty In North Korea I lived in a van and traveled to schools and churches across over a dozen states, talking to people about North Korean issues. This experience set the bar so high for what I wanted to do in the future, and it remains one of the coolest things I’ve ever done.
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There were other sweet times. 🍁 A memorable trip to New England. 🌧 A great weekend in Portland. 🗺 International friendships. 🏙 Getting to Chicago over the summer. 🏃‍♀️ Deanna’s second marathon that May. I felt more loved than I ever had before. What a year.

A Tangible Love

The most beautiful things you do in life will almost never be the easy or convenient ones.
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I’ve been getting myself ready for next week. Hearing about the two hour sleep cycles I’m bracing for oddly takes me back nine months to when this baby was conceived. It’ll be a different kind of exhausting for sure, but I can’t help but remember the month of February- needing to drive two hours each day while Deanna’s leg was broken, racing against the clock to pack and move houses twice, and still putting in full days of work.
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Sometimes, I wonder if all the stress and chaos going on at that part of our journey was sort of a spiritual rehearsal for the road ahead.
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Love often shows itself in the form of sacrifice. And while in many ways the survival mode of the earliest days of parenthood sounds rough, I am thankful that I we sometimes get such tangible ways to show love to the people we get in our life.

Share the Hard Stuff

It’s kind of inevitable for new parents. The Instagram feed turns into a baby gallery. It’s happening here too, folks.

Along with all the new dad content, though, I’ve been trying to be pretty intentional about sharing the hard parts of the pregnancy, of the year-long wait of trying to get pregnant. While we were going through the thick of it, I had the feeling that someday these stories were meant to be shared.

Seeing other people share their journeys through similar struggles, hearing from others who had to fight to keep hopeful, were some of my biggest pieces of encouragement while going through all that. And I’m committed to sharing the hard stuff alongside the sweet stuff, because you never know who else might need that part of your story.

It’s like something @morganharpernichols said once that I like a lot: the mountains in your story just might one day be somebody else’s trail guide.

The Carolina Scare

The scariest day of our pregnancy happened late in the first trimester. We were driving from West Virginia to Charlotte and Deanna was napping in the passenger seat.
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She woke up and checked her blood sugar. Deanna was diabetic even before pregnancy, but pregnancy can do two things to diabetic moms: it’ll totally change the ratio of insulin they need to give themselves after eating. It’ll also change their own sensitivity to their blood sugar levels. While Deanna can usually keep good track of her sugar based on how she feels, pregnancy messed with that.
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She woke up and checked her blood and the monitor gave us an alert- sugar dangerously low. Not even a numerical score to go with the warning. We’d never seen her monitor say that. We also knows it will tell you your level when it drops as low as 30. What was it now? 20? Something in the teens?
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Blood sugar that low could trigger hypoglycemic shock- or even worse, a diabetic coma. How did she not feel anything? Slipping that low without feeling it was scary. That definitely wasn’t good for the baby. We held our breath for the next three days. We had no answers. (Though I did spend a lot of time online that week on a British forum for pregnant diabetic moms, and their posts- some as old as 2012 were comforting.)
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The next ultrasound was the biggest relief I’ve ever experienced. And it reminded me that this baby wanted to be born. I realized he would inherit his mom’s fighter spirit, and I couldn’t have asked for more.1w

When We Found Out

On Thursday we had our final doctors visit, which made it easy to think back to the first time we went in.

When we first found out we were pregnant, I didn’t really let myself believe it for a while.

Deanna showed me the positive test. I tried to remember... was it that you can get a false negative but not a false positive, or was it the other way around?

That evening, she got a blood test- totally by coincidence, since her leg was broken. That too, was positive.

But I didn’t want to get my hopes up. I wanted somebody with fancy letters after their name to let me know that this was for real for real for real.

And so two days later, we went in for our first OB appointment. They did an ultrasound. He was the size of a rice.

And I wanted to tell the world, but that would have to wait a few months. So many things that normally felt like a big deal felt silly on a day when I heard my kid’s heart for the first time. Whenever things seem to be getting chaotic or out of hand, I still take myself back to that day to remember what really matters.

Ready for You

Hey kiddddddd.

We’ll be hanging out this time next week, most likely. We can’t wait to welcome you into our fun-loving, stubbornly-strong-willed family. I get the sense you’ll fit right in to that.

I’m trying to soak up every spare moment of this sweet season. Everything around me feels like caught up in an atmosphere of warmth and sweetness, which is funny because most of the pregnancy has been like a wild mine cart ride.

But these days, peace almost feels tangible. What a moment we’re in.

Twenty Eleven

This decade ends in a few weeks. I’m gonna be remembering where each year of the 2010s took me- because when I look back, I can’t believe it all happened.

2011 was a year full of figuring stuff out. Travel, relationships, and faith were huge themes of the year, and in the moment it felt like each of these parts of my life were full of challenges. When I look back, though, I so fondly remember where they all took me. When I think of my closest relationships from the past ten years, this is the year where most of them really grew deeper.

I spent the first half of the year in Argentina. My previous year was full of trips that made me really feel like an explorer. Then I ran into several mishaps like getting hit by a car, or just dealing with the challenge of being distant from my people. It was a humbling adventure, but I think I left with a better balance of confidence, humility and street smarts.

The latter half of the year was spent living with close friends in a shared house and a few evolving romantic pursuits. I got the privilege of learning my way through the conflicts and trickiness that come with close relationships. After all, the worthwhile things are never easy.

Speaking of, all throughout the year, my faith was the core of my life. But that evolved a lot this year. Less dogma and more mystery. Less to prove and explain, more to do and to be wonderstruck by.

I Was Right

These days feel so surreal- our last few days in our world before kids. It’s weird thinking that there’s no real going back to this.

Over the weekend sometime, I rested my hand on Deanna’s pregnant belly. It brought me back to a moment from the summer of last year. We had been trying to get pregnant for about five or six months at that point, and another one had just gone by where we realized it wasn’t happening that month either.

“You’re going to be so cute when you get pregnant,” I told her, able to imagine so clearly how she’d look.

“If I get pregnant,” she corrected me.

“Yeah, sure,” I acknowledged half-heartedly. I was discouraged, but I’m also a stubborn optimist. I wanted to be open and humble to the fact that I wasn’t in control, but I also couldn’t let go of the feeling that it was supposed to happen.

Last night, as I felt his head and feet protrude, I remembered all that. This is really happening.

And our lives are about to change.